Final Battle Omake

[Frederic Bourgault-Christie]

"Today, we're going to compare the powers of two clones." Karin the chakra sensor stands, ponytail and glasses giving her a faux school-teacher look.
"On the one hand, we have the powerful, sexy DF."
A shadowy figure behind her and to her left appears on the back wall of the classroom. Its red aura fills a small box, screaming madness pouring from the figure.
"Mmmmmmmmm. Looking at that bloody, terrible aura, I can only imagine him pinning me down..."
Karin, clearly flustered, wipes her head.
"And on the other, we have the weak, pitiful Fred...."
A glowing white figure appears to her right. Its burning white aura blows out of the box and continues off the screen.
"WHAT?! YOU'RE STRONGER THAN HIM?!"
The white figure responds with Fred's voice. "Raw power wise? Yeah, of course! That's sort of part and parcel of being a Power Magi."
"Then how come he keeps kicking your butt?"
The shadowy figure licks Karin's neck as she turns around. "Oh, more brutal, more confident, more certain, less prevaricating, better equipment, more willpower, more training, more speed, less of a pussy..."
The white figure yells, "Oh, no you didn't, bitch!"
Karin watches with aroused, misty eyes as the two figures trade punches.

"Dr. House, I have heard good things about your medical skills". Retsu Unohana drank the tea slowly, letting the flavor blossom and the cooling change the mouthfeel. "And I have seen your mastery of bankai at an early age, impressive since you were not as much of a prodigy as Ichigo. Your healing is truly a sight to see".
House shifted his weight uncomfortably. "Yeah, I really can't sit down. What with my leg and all. Can I extend my legs to the side at least?", he snarked. He didn't know why he was so intimidated by her.
Retsu waved her hand as if to motion his legs out. "Please, have the tea".
House says, half mumbling, "I hate tea". He drank it with a smarmy smile then smacked his lips and jaw. "This is delicious".
Retsu smiled. "Perhaps you might trust that I can surprise you. You have achieved bankai and your healing skills would be immensely useful. I can offer you a lieutenant-ship in the Medical Corps, which is different..."
"Nominally - "
" - from my squad. Not that Isane being demoted would affect you", Retsu smiled.
"So, I get another job, another boss to slip away from..."
"Interesting puzzles. An incredible variety of patients. Your choice of assignments."
House smiled. "You sure do know how to woo a boy, Pigtails. Tell me: How does it feel to have a lieutenant that got her ass handed her while Zaraki's got a lieutenant who's nearly as strong as a Captain?"
Unohana smiled. "Dr. House, I know you are trying to rile me. I know that you respect my skills at healing and my advice."
"I'd have known that Aizen wasn't real".
"I'd have known that Dr. Cuddy was the right woman for you. We all have our blind spots".
Dr. House smiled. "Consultation on my term, retainer fee of 300,000 Soul Society credits, additional fees per consultation."
Retsu nodded. "Done. Now, please enjoy the cabbage..."

Tony came into the bathroom. "I know you're in here", he projected into the seemingly empty stalls.
"Come on, guys. Don't be like Haley Joel Osment in the Sixth Sense and hide under a box... or in the bathroom."
No response.
"The Boss says that we need you guys. Get your gear and let's go!" Tony tried to put on a mixture of bravado and sycophancy.
No response.
"Fine, you guys have ten minutes".
On top of the stalls, on rolled out bedrolls, Shikamaru Nara, Shunsui Kyoraku, Coyote Starrk and Demyx each held five cards.
"Twos wild", Starrk commented.
Shikamaru, using the least possible amount of energy imaginable, scratched at his bedroll then put two cards out. Starrk replaced the cards.
"Raise", Shunsui added.
The door opened again. This time, Fred opened the door into a stall. "Come on guys, seriously, we need to go..."
He stared at the minimalist sight above him.
"OH MY GOD, I'M SO BORED!" Fred nearly clawed his eyes out as he left the room.
"What's his problem", Starrk noted as an aside.
"Call", Demyx added.

"Good news, everyone!" The Professor was particularly spritely as he announced to his crew.
"What, Professor? We're delivering a package?", Leela replied.
"No, we've been recruited in a suicide mission against impossible odds, fighting a cruel entity who will suck from the marrow of our freshly harvested souls!"
"That doesn't sound like good news at all!", Fry plaintively wailed.
"I'm out of here, losers", Bender added as he slunk away.
"I was told that Lupin the III would be joining us".
Bender slunk back. "Eeeeeeeeeeeee! Really! I wonder what he'll be like in person!"
"This seems suicidal and dangerous, even for you, Professor", Leela added.
"They've promised me battle armor", Prof. Farnsworth explained.
"Ah. That'd do it", Hermes nodded sagely.

[Frederic Bourgault-Christie]

The Indian attendant stared at these two crazy men. This is not why he had opened a gas station in Miami.
"Okay, you're saying... he just left?" Black asked incredulously.
"Yes, sir." The attendant explained slowly and carefully, so these maniacs would understand. "He came in singing something about 'fuck fate' or something, bless my soul. Then he left."
Fred rolled his eyes. 'We know that. We just want to know... Did he buy any Fritos?"
"No, sir. For the last time, he did not buy these infernal Fritos of which you speak".
Black grabbed a bag. "We can just get some of our own..."
Fred grabbed Black's shirt. "Don't you understand? It's never going to be as good! WHY, MARIO?! WHY DIDN'T YOU GET US THE CHIPS BEFORE YOU LEFT!"
"Please get out of my store".

[Frederic Bourgault-Christie]

The "customer service representative" (read: fry cook) was near the last hour of her shift. She could imagine the new Monolith-Tech Cyber-Wave phone, dangling just at the tip of her paycheck. "Excuse me?"

The man in front of her, clad in full golden plate armor, put both fists on the counter, gold earrings shaking. "My God, woman, can't you understand simple English? Peasants haven't gotten any smarter in the seven thousand years since my reign? YES, I want ALL of them!"

"All of our Chicken McNuggets".

"All of your breaded fowl, yes".

She breathed a sigh of relief when the manager intervened. "Sir, this McDonald's serves three counties. We have tens of thousands of ChickenMcNuggets".

"Do you take piles of gold older than your country?"

"No. We accept cash and major credit cards."

"Fine". Gilgamesh of Uruk reached behind him, opening a shimmering portal to a land of wonder and unimaginable opulence, fiddled a bit, then found the stack of fifty-year-old bills. "I trust... twenty thousand dollars will be enough?"

"AND TWO CHERRY PIES!", a colossal purple gargoyle yelled from the corner.

"And two cherry pies".

[Frederic Bourgault-Christie]

Fred suddenly had a hankerin' for a sandwich. The hunger gnawed at him like the Great Gorblaxian Gnawer. He figured, "Hey, even considering all the crazy shit going on, I can probably still get a shower".

Heading down, he decided that a small hole-in-the-wall shop, clearly staffed by incredibly poorly disguised aliens, would be best. "Hey. Ham and bacon, rosemary cheese hoagie roll, 24 inches, shredded cheddar and Cheez-Whiz, toasted, lettuce, tomato, extra pickles, cucumbers, spinach, pepperoncini, grilled onions, mayo, Dijon, and... uhhhhhh... some ranch and some avocado". He watched the employees clearly grouse about the order. "We're out of ham".

"Fine. Same thing but turkey and chicken breast".

Outside, carrying some sweet potato fries, he saw a dark-skinned man with glowing red eyes descend from the sky.

"FOOL! Your turkey sandwich purchase has merely furthered the plans of Darkseid!"

Fred looked sheepishly at the sandwich. "They were out of ham".

"FOOL! They were out of ham because of the machinations of Darkseid!"

"But I really wanted ham".

"NOW THE WORLD IS FORFEIT!"

[Frederic Bourgault-Christie]

Mario's legs and arms exploded with elemental might as he ran. His celerity was accompanied by a sense of panic. He had to warn them. He had to.

Walking through the halls, he came across Golbez, Cecil, Uryu, Booster Gold and Starrk, each holding a distinctive color of slushie.

Panting, putting his arms on his legs, Mario blurted out, "Wallace is coming! He's got... he's got... a really long sentence! If you pressed me, I'd say it was probably, like, two whole paragraphs! If he comes up with cheese, just cut him off and say, 'Yes, I'd like some cheese'. The cheese is delectable. But if it's not, just run! RUN!"

Mario burst off again. Others had to be spared the same fate as he.

Around the corner, Wallace had finally caught up with Mario. He was wondering why the boy was running so quickly. Uryu looked at Wallace and whispered in no small amount of panic, "He is not carrying a cheese tray! I repeat, I do not have visual confirmation on a cheese tray!"

Looking around for different exits, the group burst in separate directions. Golbez tripped on his cape in the confusion. Cecil reached his arm out, but Golbez stretched his and began crawling.
"Save yourself, brother!" "NOOOOOO!", Cecil yelled as Booster Gold grabbed him. "Leave him behind! He's as good as dead!"

Wallace came up to the fallen black mage and to Starrk who had decided to keep walking. "It is interesting, it appears that today I am having the most pernicious luck at finding any individual", he began. "I hope it is not an ill portent. In any instance, I have made a discovery"...

Starrk listened to the soothing voice of the Neuro-Troll, sipped at his grapefruit slushie, and slowly sunk into sleep.

Fred walked by, seeing the sight. He sighed and said, "It's not that bad, guys."