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Post by zeebedee on Dec 19, 2005 14:57:58 GMT -5
Dear Dr. Fred,
Could you, in scientific perfection, please explain the female thought process and behavioral patterns? Because I'm starting to believe a theory that womens moods are based on light reflected off of Venus into some swamp gas...and...well you get the picture. ^_^
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Post by Frederic Bourgault-Christie on Dec 19, 2005 16:14:57 GMT -5
Dear Mr. Glenn.
It is tempting to say that women are operated off of a 'chaos theory' script, with no discernable rhyme or reason, perhaps quantum flux determining whether to find you attractive or spit in your face and rub the loogie in your humiliation. That is still undetermined, unlike the male program, which has been discovered to be a dog's but with decidedly more penchant to sleep on the bed.
However, I feel we should resist the temptation. The fairer sex has their laws of motion, as do all objects within human purview. Let me emunerate some hypotheses:
1) Rich Guys Produce More Pheromones. The incomprehensible attraction of the rich, even assholes or old men, to women is explained by an obvious conclusion: they cannot contain themselves due to the heady rush of masculine scent erupting from these men. We cannot at the moment tell whether it is the sweet, musky mint of the dollar bill (oh, that scent with which I am so enamored); some pleiotropic quality of being rich (i.e. those who are rich genetically also produce such a masculine stink); or the perfumes and Tag body spray they adorn themselves with.
2) Cats Are Good Analogs to the Female Brain. Therefore, if you find yourself attracted in those 'strange ways' to Socks, do not be too concerned: cats are cute because girls are cute.
3) 'Commitment' Is Some Thing Where One Does Not Leave the Women At Any Time, Call Any One For Any Reason, Or Maintain Any Privacy. Women just don't understand that their notion of "commitment" means "the constant gaze of an all-seeing overlord'. (Men, of course, often hold this notion, they simply don't have the language to express it. A stick no larger than their thumb used to do, and the male brain hasn't coped.)
4) Women Know the Call of their Breasts: No matter how ditzy, clueless or stuck-up the woman in question is, know this: if their breasts are beautiful, supple and/or simply expanding that sweater with their might to its breaking point ("I cannae hold the tits, captain! They're breaking 'er in too!"), they will know it and use it when it is vital. Do not fall to the influence! Breasts are objects of beauty to be admired and lightly pinched; they are not mind control devices. The female booty has a similar effect; why, oh God, Atlantic City, why?!
5) Act Gay. The scientists at Bloodhound Gang provided us with an essay on this topic already, "I Wish I Were Queer So I Could Get Chicks" (the non-scientific title, of course).
6) Ninjas, Cars, And Other Fast Things Do Not Hold Sway Over The Female Mind. There are those chicks out there who get 'wet' or 'hot' over that shit, but most don't. Hey, just the messenger, guys.
7) There Is A Time Of the Month, Boys.... (An interesting analog about this fact: This time is, to most ladies, embarassing, and should only be talked about in generalistic euphemisms if at all. Men who make oblique comments about such a time of the month show they know a naughty little secret that 90% of the rest of the population is also aware of, and thus deserve to be scorned and assaulted.) This also applies to hot flashes in older women. (Men, on the other hand, have that time of day every day, indeed every hour, where they are responsive to certain... advances, and live shorter lives that are more prone to heart disease, baldness, an array of inherited diseases and stupidity).
I hope that these enumerated principles have broken new ground. Perhaps one day we can create a unified theory, a 'science' if you will (if we can ever call it that), about 51% of the population. I intend to do some more.... research tonight.
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Post by zeebedee on Dec 19, 2005 17:33:20 GMT -5
Thank you, Dr. Fred!
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Post by draco on Dec 19, 2005 20:17:05 GMT -5
Glenn, I'm going to blow your head off with your gun.
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Post by Frederic Bourgault-Christie on Dec 19, 2005 20:20:19 GMT -5
A hissy fight, eh, Mr. Birch?
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Post by draco on Dec 19, 2005 20:22:00 GMT -5
I'm gonna quit playing now, Fred. Later.
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Post by Frederic Bourgault-Christie on Dec 19, 2005 20:49:49 GMT -5
Huh. Odd.
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Post by laughingman on Dec 19, 2005 22:10:32 GMT -5
Totally off topic, but I didnt feel the need to make a different thread. Fred, you may want to hit Zblog, theres a dude called Zubub who is effectively engaging MTbrad about the Chomsky-Serbia issue. blog.zmag.org/index.php/weblog/entry/chomsky3/Also, I have responded to the God debate.
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Post by Frederic Bourgault-Christie on Dec 20, 2005 1:46:59 GMT -5
I noticed about the God debate. I probably need to get there.
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Post by zebedee on Dec 20, 2005 1:50:38 GMT -5
By the way Fred, That line was mine when I first saw it with my dad like 9 years ago or something.
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Post by laughingman on Dec 20, 2005 23:43:57 GMT -5
for anyone else who wants to participate in the debate: www.thecatharsis.proboards30.com/ under general science discussion, Turing Friggin ginous. Also, not to sound demanding or anything but Friggin respond already! Your on like 24/7 the least you can do is participate in the debate that you are loosing ;D.
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Post by korglobster on Jan 10, 2006 23:32:07 GMT -5
Guys like breasts?
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Post by Frederic Bourgault-Christie on Jan 10, 2006 23:55:02 GMT -5
Jacqi, your surprise is due to the fact that you are not a woman but some kind of gestalt of randomly connected thoughts and images. I have theorized that in fact you are the first living hologram.
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Post by korglobster on Jan 14, 2006 4:37:39 GMT -5
That would explain my immunity to bullets...or any physical force at that.
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Post by korglobster on Jan 14, 2006 4:38:40 GMT -5
But don't try to prove that by hitting me...because I'll put a potato sack behind me and pretend to be hurt.
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Post by Frederic Bourgault-Christie on Jan 14, 2006 14:44:14 GMT -5
No, no, I believe you. Which is why I would use a proton pack on you.
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Post by draco on Feb 6, 2006 2:25:22 GMT -5
Then I'd laugh. Because I'm an idiot, and things like that make me happy.
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Post by Frederic Bourgault-Christie on Feb 21, 2006 16:24:46 GMT -5
Yay.
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Post by zeebedee on Oct 18, 2006 14:26:27 GMT -5
Dude....Rule number...what 43?
THERE ARE NO WOMEN ON THE INTERNET(S)/INTERWEB(S)!!!!!
You obviously must be an imposter, Jacqi....or should I say....JACK!
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Post by Frederic Bourgault-Christie on Oct 20, 2006 19:49:23 GMT -5
Actually, there are a decent amount of women on this site. Largely attracted by the anime games .
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Post by zeebedee on Oct 22, 2006 11:58:30 GMT -5
"I....can't believe it!" Mag-Evolution Worlds.
NO GIRLS ON TEH INTERNETS!
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Post by Frederic Bourgault-Christie on Nov 19, 2006 5:35:02 GMT -5
...*backs away surreptitiously with Glenn's wallet*
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Post by Black Fox on Nov 26, 2006 2:09:03 GMT -5
NO GIRLS ON THE INTERWEB!!!
and its not a written rule ITS A KNOWN ONE THERE ARE NO WOMEN ONLY MEN AND TRAPS
TRAP:Man dressed as a women on the interweb camwhoring him/herself(dressed convincingly)
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Post by doomkitty on Nov 26, 2006 6:51:37 GMT -5
yea that is enough of 4 chan now
QUIT IT YOUR NOT ON /B/
NOW GTFO
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Post by Black Fox on Nov 26, 2006 13:26:10 GMT -5
it is true though no women on the interwebs
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Post by zeebedee on Nov 29, 2006 15:14:23 GMT -5
yea that is enough of 4 chan now QUIT IT YOUR NOT ON /B/ NOW GTFO /f/ FTW!!!!!
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Post by Vincent Hack on Jan 4, 2007 20:17:19 GMT -5
oi, well this is clearly going to shit fast, so it looks like i'll have to solve this problem in my own way *revvs chainsaw* alright who's first
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Post by Frederic Bourgault-Christie on Jan 4, 2007 20:42:52 GMT -5
Yes, murder everyone who alleges that there is a gender bias in Internet usage. Excelsior!
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Post by sithofmacabre on Jan 4, 2007 23:47:25 GMT -5
I didn't come here for the anime .__.
*came for Star Wars*
Besides, since Christmas, I've fallen back in love with watching Samurai Jack, yaaaaaaye!! *waits for Season 4 in May*
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Post by Frederic Bourgault-Christie on Jan 4, 2007 23:51:03 GMT -5
NEW SEASON OF SAMURAI JACK?! YAY!
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